So I had my first daughter right before my 22nd birthday. Well not right before but 2 months before to be exact. My second daughter came 3 years later, two months after my 25 birthday. My third was born 8 years after my second and 8 days before my 34th birthday. Going from one to two was tough but eventually everything feel into place. When my oldest would nap my second could slip in one of her naps too. Everything has always been on just about the same playing field for the both of them, which honestly makes it easy for me. Finding out I would be expecting a third I was excited about the opportunity to be the mother to another baby but I knew there would be challenges.
So before having my youngest I did not want more kids. I honestly wanted to have 4 more kids after having my first but life didn’t work out as I had hoped. I got divorced and I was left with my girls, struggling to not only provide for them, but trying to make up for all they lost. The option to bring another man or child that would spilt me from my girls who had already lost so much, I declined. Additionally bringing in another baby when my girls were so far removed from the baby phase would be a challenge in itself. When I found out I was pregnant I was states away from my daughter’,s working for the summer. Working 10 hours a day six days a week to provide for us. I cried tears when I found not because of frustration or fear but simply of joy that I still had the opportunity to have another baby.
After having my daughter this year the transition of having a newborn wasn’t easy but it wasn’t as hard as going from 1 to 2 with a three year old. The challenge came as my youngest has gotten older. She has a to nap and I have to pick up my older girls from school. She needs to nurse and they want to hang out with friends. They need to go to school and she has about of town doctor’s appointment. She needs to go to bed and they are still working on homework and need my help. It’s a impossible balance and along with all of this I still have to work, clean, and provide healthy meals for them.
A moment of clear honesty: I know I’m not enough for them. I know they need more then what I struggle to provide and do for them. Most days I am completely defeated. I didn’t set out to be a single mom. I fought against it as long as I could but at a point I had to accept it and make the most of it for all.
There was so much advice before having my youngest that my older two would be a big help and they are, however at no point do I have the opportunity to stop being a mother to them. At no point is the baby their responsibility. They help but they are still kids and should have the opportunity to be kids nothing should have to change for them because of my choice to have a baby.
I love the stage that each one of my girls are at. I love the newness of each area is for them. I love them but I feel like because of the age gap I am missing out and so much with them and exploring the “new” world with them. I love being able to help my girls guide and navigate the world yet most of the time I feel like my girls are glued to their devices, my infant roams around on the floor all while I am just constantly trying to piece life together. In all honest I guess this is motherhood, constantly questioning if you are enough, yet overflowing someone’s cup and not even knowing it.
The age gap between my two active girls and my current 9 month old is killing me right now. I have been waiting for the moment when things would just click for us all and we would finally find that magic grove like I did when I had my second. I have been waiting and trying to peak ahead to see if it is possibly coming. In all honesty I don’t think it ever will. This is a my new normal, grasping at straws everyday to accommodate my two older while my youngest screams in frustration on my hip. Staying in the house all day so my baby can properly nap while my older two go crazy. The perfect imperfect never balanced balance. Sigh 😔. This. Is. It.