Is This It?

This is it. My all day everyday, is holding her. Inside the house, outside the house I am always holding her if not wearing her.

I love smelling her sweet baby smells. The slobber kisses, and how she holds on to me so tightly. These moments will pass by so quickly, I know it. Yet in the moments that my arm goes numb, my back begins to hurt and I just want to pick something off the ground thought doing a pregnant back bend squat thingy, I get frustrated. There is no calvary to rescue me, and just give me those five minutes I so desperately crave. Additionally I have two older girls that some how require the same amount of attention. Many days I find myself just completely and totally stretched thin.

I love being a mom. Being a mom means everything to me, yet photography and creating still holds a big piece of my heart too. Finding the balance between how much I love them with something I love to do has yet to be mastered by me. I often find myself putting down my camera for months… and years at a time to be who they need me to be. They need structure, consistency, a provider, my presence… all which confine my options to explore myself as a artist. As I find myself packing lunches, sitting in pick up lines, the small talk with my kids friend’s parents, preparing dinners I find myself waiting. Waiting for the next moment they need me. Trying to be two steps ahead of theirs. Waiting for their opportunity to be the glorious little women I know they will be. Waiting for my opportunity to be everything that my type of motherhood has required me to put on hold. This waiting often begins to build a bitterness inside of me.

Children aren’t meant to be raised by one person yet when you find yourself in the place of being a single parent, with no other participating parent, you take on more roles then you could have ever imagined. Don’t get me wrong I pride myself at how good I am at being a single mom but there are some days it’s overwhelming as just being a mom can be. With the desire to be anything outside of a parent, it beings to seem impossible. There is a bitterness that builds not only towards the none present parent, but towards my situation, my kids…

I find myself sitting a my computer at 4am, the moments between the night when my infant is not nursing, looking for opportunities. Creating spaces for hopes that I can be seen. The moments I sit alone without words from anyone else I get to see myself and know I am still present despite being in retreated most of the day. I know that I am great, I just have to find a way to show everyone else how great.

I create these moments of relief for myself during the day by combining my loves. Photographing my kids, creating with my kids. Creating scenes, moments and social media pages to showcase them through my eyes.

I love doing it, but they are kids and posing for hours, continuously moving from one project to the next, allowing me to sit hours at my computer editing, it’s just not something they are able to do. So while I try to find ways to detox them of the 30 minutes of being photographed, despite being frustrated with how brief I am allowed to hold my camera I know, I have find peace with it. And this really how I want my photography to be displayed, to be remembered ? I am still debating that.

With my desperate need to be away from them and be my own person, to recognize myself, and fulfill my own dreams , I find myself turning down opportunities that pull me away from being ‘just a mom’. As my sweet 5 month old’s big brown eyes stare back at me I can’t find a way to possibly turn her away. To place her in the arms of another even if monetarily to chase a…my dream which becomes a possibility in comparison to them. To not be the person to pick them up when they fall, to not be their number one protector in every moment of the day, honestly is unsettling. This is my constant push and pull of motherhood and self.

Its always interesting how men normally have a desire to provide, and women normally want to nurture. It seems as though there are so many conveniences for men to provide however for a woman to provide while nurturing, women are looked as over protective mothers. “You need to find a sitter” , ” Your baby will be fine in daycare you are the only one that will have a problem with it”, “Your baby needs to learn to be away from you”. Why can’t it be normal to see a mother at work with her kids? A working mother nursing? There is nothing wrong with a man providing but a woman that just want to nurture her children the opportunities are few and a woman is left to choose. Leaving down one for the other.

If asked what is worth more to me every single time I will scream them, but it always comes with ‘buts’ when I know the need to create beyond them is not only important to me but for them to see also. The need to find the balance is so needed…or is it.

For now, I’m a mom, my opportunity will come. I won’t wait on it but continually fight for it, even if my moments to fight are small and few. I will continue to create my moments while being a mom. Despite feeling so setback all the time in ‘just being a mom’ I just don’t have the ability to give up on myself yet. They need structure, consistency, a provider, my presence… the example of never giving up on yourself. Hopefully when my opportunity comes I will have mastered that balance…

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